VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
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