I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I believe in your delicious
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
