call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
