I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
