It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
