I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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