Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
