I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
