K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
How's work?
Spinning.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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