im drinking this country out of the recession.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
