On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
he puts the penis in happiness.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
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Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
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As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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