Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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