So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
