i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
