K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
