I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
