You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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