I just saw a hot homeless man
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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