I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
