He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
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She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
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SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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