i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She told me I should be a condom model.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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