I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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