My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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