Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
