Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
