are you still at the devil's house?
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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