I need to stop coming to work sober
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
