i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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