You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
