I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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