My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
