when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You ruined the universe
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
