you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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