I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just gift wrapped bread.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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