i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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