my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
