No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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