How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
