how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
