I'm gonna have a badass scar
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
