if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
