Well apparently he's into motor boating.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
