M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
