i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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