The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
