I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
