All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
