so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
