FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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