dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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