Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
