Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
