We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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